


Separated

by TortillaGuy



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Crack, Custody Battle, Endgame, Endgame AU, Family, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Worried May Parker (Spider-Man)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-01-05 20:02:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18373100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TortillaGuy/pseuds/TortillaGuy
Summary: No Endgame spoilersThe snap was reversed and everybody who was dust reformed. Everybody except Peter, whose dust was spread days after the snap. Tony and May must hunt him down. Remarkably, he's alive, but in two pieces. Tony and May then have an epic court battle over who gets his top half and who's stuck with his legs.





	1. Peter's Funeral Bash

May sat like a sack of flour in the front row: slumped over, pale, small, made of burlap, resides in a storage closet. They had spread Peter’s ashes that morning, after Tony had grabbed the urn and stolen half to spread at the Avengers’ Tower for ‘sentimental reasons’ but mostly for the decorative urn. May had spread her half in the mountains, a favorite vacation spot for the two. Tony walked silently to her and put his hand on her shoulder.  
“It’s hard for all of us, May. It will be for a long, long time. I remember how difficult it was to cope when I lost my other apprentices—”  
“What?”  
“But I got through. I mean, I really should’ve been expecting this one, but the others died in like, two weeks of our meeting so I thought this one might have lived to make seventeen. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Perry-“  
“Peter.”  
“Peter was special. He had fantastic endurance, we were the same blood type, he became dust before I could get a new liver—lots of things about him were special and he’ll be missed.”  
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”  
“No, May, what I’m trying to get at is that we’re all grieving, so stop being such an attention whore.”  
May began sobbing again when a shadow came over the small gathering of mourners. The shadow became a ship as it neared the ground. The ship touched down, and the Guardians, Avengers, Black Panther, and whoever else was killed I can’t keep track walked out.  
“Stop trying to fix the canon,” Tony said. “I thought you guys were all on vacation or something.”  
Starlord blinked.  
“We died, Tony—you... you saw a lot of us die. How do you not remember?”  
“I don’t remember, dude. I was fighting the Ambien and losing. Wait, how did you kill Thanos?”  
Black Panther stepped towards him.  
“Well, that’s a funny story. Those of us who were left had to think of a way to destroy Thanos and get the gauntlet, and you know what worked?”  
“What?”  
“A gun.”  
“A gun?”  
“Yes, a regular gun killed Thanos.”  
“Huh. Where’s Bucky?”  
“Also killed by the gun.”  
“Who was using the gun?”  
“Groot.”  
“Oh.”  
May walked over.  
“Wait, what about Peter?”  
“We restored everything with the gauntlet, so he should be back together. Where did you guys put his dust?”  
May paled. Tony spoke up.  
“Uh, actually, his dust was... dispersed.”  
“Dispersed?”  
“Yes, in two... different places.”  
“Wait, seriously? What the hell? It’s been, like, a few days! How did you even get back to Earth without a spaceship?”  
“Well by that point the Benadryl was kicking in as well and I’m really not sure, but I did wake up and find that I pawned off the Iron Man suit for a night with ‘Glitter Nips’—”  
“Okay, that doesn’t matter. You two have to go and find Peter. Or, as many parts of Peter as you can. I would go as well, but this sounds gross. Sorry.”  
May sobbed again and Tony grabbed her arm and stepped up onto the ship.  
“Whoa, whoa, just what do you think you’re doing?” Star Lord asked.  
“Commandeering this vessel to make up for my vast oversight,” Tony said, leading May into the cockpit. The ship grumbled and lifted, forcing everyone standing on the still-open hangar door to fall off because I don’t want to write any more dialogue for them.  
“I-I didn’t know you could fly a spaceship,” May said, wiping her eyes.  
“Who needs experience when you have Ritalin?”  
And thus they flew, approaching their mistake without, what Tony concluded, an appropriate number of body bags.

TO BE CONTINUED??????


	2. The Woods of Sadness, Melancholy, and Despair

May sniffed as the ship landed in a dense forest, very near where she spread her nephew’s ashes.   
“Why are we landing here first? Wouldn’t it be easier to find... his... pieces—“ she broke off her sentence with a sob.  
“Get ahold of yourself, plot device. And no, it wouldn’t be easier to find him near the Tower because of where I flushed—uh, spread—his ashes. We’ll have an easier time searching the mountains for fingers and kidneys.”  
Tony left the ship after strapping on his organ-mushing boots and grabbing a trash bag. May followed minutes later and stayed behind Tony.  
“You see, these boots are good because they’re completely waterproof, and blood washes right off the vinyl—“  
“Peter! Peter!” May called. Tony turned around.  
“Come on, he can’t hear you. He’s all chunked, like reject soup—“  
“Let’s split up,” May said, wringing her hands. “He could be anywhere in these woods, or on this mountain, so let’s cover as much ground as possible.”  
“When did you learn to use higher thinking abilities? And fine, I’ll go to the left, you go to the right.”  
“Wait! Uh, how will I reach you? We don’t have cell service...” she paused for a moment and then giggled. “Should I put, like, an Iron Man symbol in the sky or something?”  
“That’s the wrong fucking universe, fake fan.”   
Five minutes later, Tony was stamping through the woods, wondering why the coke hadn’t hit yet, when he tripped over a mound coated in wet leaves. A grating moan begged for attention.   
“Glitter Nips?”   
He dumped the slick clumps out of his organ mashers and peeled the mound’s coating away. A pale face caked in dirt gasped and coughed up clumps of mold.  
“Ew, a raccoon,” Tony said.  
“No, Mr. Stark!” Peter said between gasps, “It’s me! Peter!”  
“Wait a minute, I think that’s Paul!”  
“Peter, Mr. Stark! What happened? Why am I here?”  
“Oh god, look at Paul’s body! He died so young!”  
“I’m alive! Where are we? Where are the others?”  
“This is a sad day for sure. Phillip materialized, but too late.”  
“What’s going on, Mr. Stark?”  
“It’s time to pour one out for Phineas.”  
Tony grabbed his flask, took a swig, and dumped the rest on Peter.  
“Why did—is this Listerine? Mr. Stark, please, I’m alive!”  
Tony’s eyes widened.  
“Percy, you’re alive? I can hear you, Percy! It’s okay! It’s going to be okay!”  
“Mr. Stark, where is everyone?”  
“Shh, Pert. Save your strength. You’re not making any sense.”  
“Mr. Stark, I’m perfectly lucid!”  
“Oh, the tragedy! A once bright mind now completely incomprehensible! What’s that, Guillermo? You want me to put you out of your misery?”  
Tony drew his handgun.  
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO, MR. STARK!”  
May sprinted towards them.  
“I heard pathetic screaming! Is Peter here?”  
“Aunt May! Why are you here? What happened?” Peter asked, attempting to prop himself up.  
“Oh, Peter! I thought... I thought I’d never see you again!” May’s eyes welled up. She knelt beside him and pulled him into a tight hug. Peter wrapped his arms that were too weak to stop Thanos around May. After several deeply emotional moments I don’t have the energy, patience, or skill to describe, she rose to her knees, Peter still around her.   
“Peter baby, you need to eat. You’re so much lighter than you were before.”  
She stood fully then, and Peter’s torso remained clinging to her waist. His body stopped just before the hem of his tattered shirt. May screamed.  
“SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! TONY, SHOOT IT! OH GOD! WHAT THE FUCK!”  
She dropped her leg-impaired nephew and wiped viciously at her shirt. Tony drew his handgun again.  
“NO, PLEASE! I DON’T KNOW WHERE MY LEGS ARE! I SWEAR I’M STILL PETER!”  
“HIS NAME IS PERRY!” Tony said, attempting to club Peter with the gun.  
“Wait!” May said, “Peter, I’m sorry. I was just... startled. Over this entire day. Week. Whatever. It’ll be alright.”  
“It’s alright. Just please, tell me what happened!”  
“You got it,” said Tony, fishing around in his pocket. “If there’s cell service, I can download Infinity War.”

TO BE CONTINUED???????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to my good friend Swagmaster McBangin' for inspiring this fic. It is partially biographical of her uncle.


	3. In Which a Trip from the Appalachians to New York City in a Spaceship Takes Like an Hour for Some Reason

After Peter’s torso had been dragged onto the ship and secured down with duct tape, Tony and May returned to the cockpit and prepared for takeoff. May took her face in her hands.  
“I can’t believe something like this could happen.” Her lips trembled. “What sort of god would allow this?”  
Tony steered the ship skyward. “I agree. I mean, what has Thor done for anyone lately? And I’m pretty sure Loki’s stealing my Adderall. But yeah, you should totally give them hell for this when we get--” A heavy thunk resounded through the ship.  
“Peter?” May called. There was no answer. She stood up. “I’m going to check on him.”  
“No,” Tony said, getting up. “I’ll go check on him. I shouldn’t be flying. Like I said, Loki took my Adderall, so there’s nothing to balance out the booze.”  
Tony left the cockpit and entered into the kitchen, where Peter was sprawled out on the floor, having escaped his duct tape prison. He had one miserable hand extended towards the fridge.  
“Please, Mr. Stark. I’m so thirsty.”  
Tony stepped over him. “Alright, let’s see what we have.” He opened the fridge door. “Oh, oh no.”  
“What? What is it, Mr. Stark? Is there nothing to drink in there? Please, I’m so thirsty!”  
Tony turned towards him with a grimace. “I’m so sorry, kid. There’s nothing at all to drink in here. Nothing remotely fit for human consumption.”  
“What? Is it like, alien food? I’ll take it, Mr. Stark, please!”  
Tony shook his head. “No, kid, trust me. You’d rather go thirsty than drink what’s in there.”  
Tony shut the fridge full of Diet Coke Vanillas and left for the cockpit. There, May was already gaining a feel for the controls.  
“Hey, Tony, check this out!” She pulled off a mid-air somersault. Tony grabbed onto the back of a chair to keep from falling over. Thudding and groaning could be faintly heard from the kitchen.  
“And that’s not all,” May said, plunging the ship into a nosedive. Tony was standing parallel to the surface of the planet and was inches away from hurling. May then yanked on the controls once the ship had barely brushed the forest’s canopy. There was another thunk from the kitchen, as if something had fallen from the ceiling.  
“Wow, you’re getting pretty good at that,” Tony said, taking a seat once May had pulled the ship into the atmosphere. “Next stop is the Avengers Tower. That’s where I put the rest of the kid’s dust.”  
May stared into the exosphere, pensive. “So, Peter’s legs are just wandering around the Tower? I wonder if anyone’s called security… maybe you should call down there and tell them to grab the legs.”  
“Well, uh, huh, that’s the thing. You’re gonna laugh, I swear. It’s really a funny story.”  
May turned to look at him. Her face held the same humor as a pediatric oncologist’s. “If you do one more thing to screw up the familial love subplot--”  
“No, really! His legs are there, somewhere--”  
“Where? Did you dump his ashes in a paper shredder?”  
“No, listen--”  
“At a foot-binding practitioner’s?”  
“Where would I even find--”  
“A gun range?”  
“Please, May--”  
“Chernobyl?”  
“For the love of God, May! I flushed his ashes! The instant I got home, I flushed his ashes in my fancy Japanese smart toilet and threw the urn at a bird! I was going to decorate with it, but then this asshole bluebird started pecking at my window--”  
May’s hands fell from the controls. She stared into the void in front of her. Her voice was a whisper.  
“So his legs could be anywhere? The sewer system is so big…” her eyes teared up. “We’ll never find them.”  
Tony sighed. “I’m sure you and the torso can find those legs. I’ll even open up the manhole for you. Or Happy will. Either way, we wish you luck.”  
“Oh no. No. You caused this mess when you stole his dust and now you’re going to help us find his legs.”  
“You mean, I supplied you with an adventure--”  
There was a knock on the cockpit door.  
“Who is it?” Tony called.  
“Me,” Peter said. “Please let me in. There’s nothing to hold onto out here and I think the cabin’s decompressing.”  
“We don’t want any candy bars,” Tony said.  
“I think we’re above the Tower,” May said, and began lowering the ship.

TO BE CONTINUED????????????


	4. The Sewer is a Dank and Sad Place to Raise a Child

May landed the ship in the Tower’s private hangar. Tony left the cockpit, stepped over Peter’s bruised torso, and entered his penthouse. May followed suit after tying a rope to Peter to drag him along.  
“Why... did you have... to tie the rope around my neck?” Peter asked, gasping as May tugged with her god strength.  
“Where have you been?” A sharp voice called. Pepper appeared in the doorway.  
“Oh shit, it’s that bitch from my wedding!” Tony said. Pepper put a threatening finger on his chest.  
“I’ve been waiting for days without a word from you! Do you think it’s funny to leave me here, worried to death, while you run around outer space? And just what the hell happened? What was that thing with the dust and the purple guy? Where did everyone go? Why is May dragging half of Peter’s corpse? What happened to all of the Avengers? For the love of God, Tony, what’s going on?”  
After two minutes of silence, once Tony finally accepted no one was going to change the subject, he stuttered a reply. “Uh, well, babe, you see, we were all just chillin’ in space when this oversized orange—"  
“Mr. Stark, Thanos is purple!”  
“The bath salts made me colorblind, kid. Anyway, this dude was all like, ‘I’m gonna kill like half the universe’, and we were all like, ‘Yeah okay whatever’, but then he actually did it and none of us tried to stop him. Then I came home because... you’re so... pretty?”  
Peter stared at the wall with eyes containing the lump sum of all human misery. Pepper spoke again.  
“Well... okay. I don’t believe any of that, but I only married you to get rich in the divorce, so I guess it doesn’t matter. So, what happened to Peter? Why is he—"  
“Half the man I used to be?” Peter asked, grinning.  
“I was going to say a horrific mistake of nature. But yes, why is he like this?”  
“Ugh, here we go again,” Tony said, digging his phone from his pocket.  
After Pepper read the first three chapters of Separated, she nodded.  
“I don’t know what kind of socially maladjusted person would write that, but I get it now. So, just go down to the sewers and find the legs. Don’t you have some sort of sonar that would find them right away?”  
May turned to Tony with the question in her eyes. Tony groaned.  
“God, come on guys! Do you have any idea how long it would take for me to call up Happy, tell him to cut his vacation short and get over here, then tell him to go to the lab and pick up the sonar box, and then come right here? That would take at least an hour!”  
“Why don’t you go to the lab and get it?”  
Pepper asked. Tony crossed his arms and groaned again.  
“Fine! I guess Peter can go and get it.”  
“Of course! On it, Mr. Stark!” Peter dragged himself out of the room, noose trailing.  
“Alright May, we’ve gotta get into the sewers. I won’t lie, it’ll be super gross, and I hope you brought your organ mashers. Now we’ve gotta cut this short and appear in the sewers because this scene has been going on for way too long.”  
~~~  
May, Tony, and Peter stood (?) over the open manhole in the middle of the crowded city street. Tony was taking note of the grimy ladder, and May was losing patience.  
“Hurry up and climb down, Tony! This taxi keeps honking and revving his engine!”  
“I told you, just throw Peter at him,” Tony said, his head in the manhole.  
“I already did, twice, but he keeps getting closer!”  
Tony pulled his head up. “Fine. Hand me Peter’s rope and I’ll lower him down.”  
May passed the rope and Tony gestured for Peter to come closer to the manhole.  
“Just hop in and I’ll lower you down.”  
Peter paled and tugged at the rope around his neck.  
“C’mon, kid, we don’t have all day!”  
“Of... course, Mr. Stark.” He inched forward, gulped in a deep breath and fell into the manhole. To his surprise, his neck didn’t snap because Tony never took hold of the other end of the rope. A loud, wet thud resounded through the sewers.  
“Alright, May, just follow me down the ladder. I’ve got the sonar so this shouldn’t take long.”  
May started down the ladder.  
“I don’t think sonar works like that; does it? I mean, a pair of legs isn’t massively big and there’s plenty of other stuff to prevent the sonar from—"  
“Shut up or I’ll step on your fingers,” Tony said.  
Once reunited in the sewer, Tony switched on a flashlight and the excuse to finish this chapter up quickly.  
“Alright, I’ve hooked onto a stupid wriggly thing. That’s probably the legs. Peter, stop laying around and get a move on. These are your legs, after all.”  
Peter was laying face down, motionless, in the sewer sludge. He began to sink. Tony huffed.  
“Lazy ass millennials.” He grabbed Peter’s noose and tugged him along.  
“The legs should be right up here. Y’know, once I tried to get a private sewer installed, ‘cause I tend to puke up a lot of rings and dime bags, but the city government was all like it would be ‘structurally unsafe’ and ‘why don’t you donate more to charity’ and ‘okay fine you can have the sewer just put the pistol down’ but then Pepper said—"  
“Tony, look!” May pointed straight ahead at a frantic whirlpool of clashing water.  
“Oh no, that rat is having a seizure!” Tony said, running forward. He dunked his hands in the dirty water and became entangled with the thing’s struggle. Using the remainder of his crack strength, he pulled Peter’s legs, kicking confusedly, from the water. May gasped and stepped towards them. They kicked her in the stomach and she fell backwards, but luckily Peter was there to break her fall. Tony laughed and Peter’s legs kneed him in the nuts. He doubled over and hit his chin on the sidewalk. Within seconds, Peter’s legs were curb-stomping Tony. May tried to force them off of him while Peter’s torso slowly sunk into the water.

TO BE CONTINUED????????


	5. Adventures in Custody

ONE WEEK LATER  
Tony stood in the Tower kitchen, sipping coffee and watching the sunrise. He smiled to himself, taking in the quiet morning before starting another hectic day. He refilled his ‘World’s Best Mentor’ mug, a gift from Peter, and headed down the hall. Tony knocked softly and entered Peter’s room.  
“Morning,” he said to his sleeping protege. Peter stirred and stretched.  
“Oh, morning, Mr. Stark. What’s on the agenda for today?”  
Tony dumped the remainder of his coffee on Peter.  
“WHAT THE HELL, MR. STARK! IT BURNS!”  
“Well, first off, you overslept again, so I’m late to get started in the lab. I hope you’re happy, ‘cause now you’re gonna be completing my projects for me.”  
“I THINK IT’S SCARRING! AAGGH! WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?”  
“Get down to the lab in five minutes. I swear, I think May’s having an easier time.”

ACROSS TOWN  
May sat at the table, absently prodding her breakfast. She glanced up, briefly, then returned to staring at her plate. There was a twitch, a thud, and then shattered mug shards on the floor. She sighed.  
“Don’t worry about it, Peter. I’ll clean it up.” May stood up to get a dustpan while Peter’s legs writhed on the table, knocking over his plate of toast.  
“I told you, no feet on the table,” she said, sweeping up bits of ceramic. Peter’s legs continued twitching and shook themselves off the table. They hit the floor, held motionless for a moment, and then began shaking and kicking again.   
“You’re going to be late for school,” May said, wedging a piece of toast in his bent knee.   
“Now hurry up and get to the bus stop. I’m heading to work.”  
She got down on all fours and kissed his ankle. He kicked her.  
May left the apartment and closed the door. Peter seized around the apartment, exploring the floors and the easily-climbable countertops. He shook into the kitchen sink, getting a rather large knife caught in his belt loop in the process. He then writhed over to the low window sill and enjoyed the city breeze as he fell five stories. Peter’s legs, being strong and not wimpy like Peter’s torso, quickly recovered and shook on down the street into the nearest Hot Topic.  
“HE’S GOT A KNIFE!” The cashier’s eyes boggled and he ducked under the counter. Trembling, he peered over the counter at the delinquent.  
“I’ll... I’ll give you anything, man! Just take whatever you want! Just don’t hurt me, man!” He huddled back under the counter and clutched his knees to his chest. He rocked and prayed silently to the emo gods. Peter’s legs writhed through the store, thumping against the counter and causing the cashier to shriek out a vigil to MCR. Peter’s legs struck a shelf and a pair of leather pants fell.  
“You... you want those? You can have ‘em! They’re free! And, uh, here... have this belt, too, and um... those boots over there!” The cashier crept out and set a black leather belt with spikes studding it down next to Peter’s legs. He grabbed a pair of boots with a similar design and held them up for inspection.  
“Huh? You like these? Here... I’ll help you get this stuff on if you put that knife away.”  
Peter’s legs paused. After a moment, they shook and hit the wall, making the knife fall out of the loop.  
“Huh... yeah, good. Okay, here you go.”  
The cashier had soon dressed Peter in the sort of edgelord clothes only Hot Topic could dish out.  
“There you go, sir. Enjoy your day,” the cashier said, waving with a trembling hand. Peter’s legs, clad entirely in black leather, rammed against the wall again, re-securing the knife, and writhed out the door.

AT THE TOWER  
Tony looked down at Peter, who was tinkering with a car battery after Tony refused to give him anything safer or more fun to do. Peter stared, eyes blank and distraught, at the 12-volt brick he was given a scalpel for.  
“Why so sad, kid? You haven’t said much.”  
Peter fidgeted. “Well, Mr. Stark, I haven’t really felt like myself since I lost my legs and you shoved me in that sack and brought me back to the Tower before May could climb out of the sewer. I guess I just miss what my life was like before all this happened.”  
Tony frowned and thought for a moment. Then he smiled and wrapped an arm around Peter.  
“You know what? I bet you miss being Spiderman, don’t you?”  
Peter blushed.  
“Yeah, I guess so. I wish I was still out there, helping people, saving lives, stopping bad guys. But I guess I’ll just have to make the best with what I’ve got.”  
Tony stood up.  
“No. You’re still gonna be Spiderman. You’re still gonna save lives, and fight bad guys, and all that jazz. In fact,” Tony said, pulling a package from a drawer, “You’re gonna do it right now.” Tony unfolded the package.  
“Mr. Stark, is that a new Spiderman suit? Oh my God, thank you! It looks so cool-“ Peter’s face clouded. “Wait a minute, it has pants attached. How am I supposed to—“  
Tony shrunk it down to its wristband size and slapped it onto Peter, activating it. Peter yelled out, his voice muffled.  
“I don’t think this is right! There’s no neck hole and my arms are stiff!”  
“That’s because your arms are in the leg holes and your head is stuck in the crotch,” Tony said, hefting Peter onto his shoulder. He walked over to the window and undid the latch. “I heard there was a robbery over at the Hot Topic. You should check it out; it’ll bring your spirits up. Go, Spiderman! Spider powers, activate!” He tossed Peter out of the Tower. Tony shut the window after the thud. He gave himself a satisfied smile. He was finally getting the hang of this mentor stuff.

TO BE CONTINUED???????


	6. No Love for Lame Peter

Days later, Peter dragged himself to the bus stop because the heroin made Tony too paranoid to drive and Happy was taking his allotted time for his annual mental breakdown. Peter sighed. He could stand the birds stealing and eating his lunch in front of him; he could tolerate the stabbing pain of the five-inch heel parade that passed over him; he could understand the bus driver stowing him under a seat as a floatation device. But, under no circumstances was Peter prepared for what happened when he reached school.  
He would’ve dragged himself all the way to first period if not for a gracious custodian who yote him down the hall. After slamming into the door, he dragged himself to his desk, but found another pair of legs already sitting there.  
“Wha—my legs? How did these get here?” Peter reached out to them, but they kicked him in the forehead. Their days of running, jumping, and walking for an ungrateful master were done. Flash came up beside them and turned to the legs.  
“This guy giving you a problem, Peter?”  
“What? Flash, since when do—”  
“‘Cause I’ll take care of him right now. Just give the word.”  
The legs waved a dismissive kick.  
“Alright,” Flash flexed his hands. “You’ve got five seconds, kid. One—”  
Peter crawled away, bumping into Ned as he reached the door.  
“Ned! What the hell is going on?”  
Ned stared straight ahead and stepped over Peter.  
“Ned! I’m down here!”  
Ned froze, grumbled something to himself, tapped his foot nervously and finally turned around. His voice was a whisper.  
“I’m sorry, Peter, it’s just that Legs Peter is a lot cooler, more well-rounded, more socially accepted, less terrible version of you. It’s not personal.” And with that highly personal remark, he turned away and sat next to the legs. The teacher entered.  
“Who are you?” she asked less cool Peter.  
“I’m... I’m Peter!”  
She shook her head.  
“No, that’s Peter in the desk over there. You can tell because he’s so cool and socially accepted. You’re like Jared from Subway. Get out of my classroom, loser.”  
And with that, Peter crawled through the halls, and if it was possible to hold his head any closer to the ground than before he would’ve. The principal was making her rounds through the halls when she spotted him.  
“Ew, another rat got in,” she said, about to spike him with her heel.  
“No, wait, I’m a student here!”  
“We don’t teach rats,” she said while spiking.  
“Please believe me! I need help getting to the office! I need to make a phone call! I would’ve just used my own, but since my legs had the pants pockets, they got the phone!”  
The principal huffed.   
“Fine,” she said, rolling a nearby trashcan over to them. She dumped Peter inside and rolled him to the front office. Once there, she tipped it over and he tumbled out, face red and swollen.  
“Thanks... for the... ride,” he said while panting, “I’m allergic to peanuts and that trash was almost exclusively PBJs and a gallon of peanut oil for whatever reason, but I didn’t want to complain.”  
“Of course, this is our peanut-trash only trashcan. We put it there for kids like you to build immunity.”  
“I don’t think that’s how it works.”  
The principal shrugged and walked off. After Peter had finally knocked the phone off its hook with his epi-pen, he considered who to call.  
“I guess Tony technically has custody after he pinioned that lawyer, but I haven’t seen Aunt May in a week... well, I guess she’s been too busy buying sexy leather boots for my legs,” Peter said bitterly. “I’ll call Tony. He can get me some sexy leather gloves and then we’ll see who’s a better Peter.”  
The principal returned after he made the call, wheeling a cart with a TV on it.  
“Well, we’ve got nothing to do with you now that there’s a much cooler Peter Parker, so I guess you’ll just have to watch this video.” She turned on the TV. It flickered, and Captain America stepped onscreen, flipping a chair around and sitting backwards.  
“So, you’re a total loser.”

TO BE CONTINUED??????


	7. The Hellscape Continues

“-and anyway, even if you’re a total loser, you can’t be as bad as this kid I met once, Peter Parker. I mean, this kid was like the human incarnation of a salad. Bland, unremarkable, unmemorable, depressing to look at... yeah. So, in conclusion, even if you suck so bad your mother got her tubes tied out of disappointment after she had you, you can’t suck half as hard as Peter Parker. Remember that, kids.”  
Cap smiled and the screen flipped to static. The principal wheeled the TV away.  
“Well, since your parent or guardian hasn’t arrived yet—who was it, again?”  
Peter’s face turned smug. He crossed his arms. Even if everyone hated him, there was still one cool thing about his life.  
“Tony Stark.”  
The principal raised her eyebrow.  
“Wow, usually those billionaires are more secretive about their child slaves. Well, anyway, he’s not here yet, so I guess we can stick you in the cafeteria freezer—”  
A Mercedes-Benz plowed through the office wall. Jagged cement and brick crashed into polished office furniture, wires and ducts hung limply like Bruce Banner and his ED, and debris choked the air. Don’t worry, though—the principal was totally okay. She used Peter as a human shield.  
Tony slapped the door handle and fell out. He hung halfway from the car and his back rested on the cement chunks. His eyes drooped in ecstasy, which was coincidentally what he was on.  
“Hey, Peter! I’ve been lookin’ all over for ya! I looked at the school wall, then I looked closer ‘cause I thought I saw you, but then it turned out to be a window, and then I forgot I was in a car—”  
Tony drifted off and drool ran down his chin.  
“One sec,” Peter said, sliding towards him, “He ODs a lot. You just gotta punch the blue chest thing until he wakes up.”  
Peter centered his torso strength in his torso hand and gave Tony’s leg chest a torso slap. He shot up, gasping, before falling back into a peaceful smile that was formed from drugs so expensive he could totally give May a ton of money and 🅱️eter wouldn’t starve anymore or whatever.  
“Hey, Pete, want some bath salts? They’re fresh from... the bath?”  
“Uh, no, Tony-”  
“Peter!” the principal said, “That nice man offered you a gift and you’re being ungrateful. Take his hard drugs right now or I’ll have you expelled from insubordination.”  
“But-”  
“Theft.”  
“He’s-”  
“Arson.”  
“That-”  
“Treason.”  
Peter sighed and took Tony’s bath salts. Tony smiled a hazy and contented smile and leaned back.  
“Getting fucked up with your protege,” he said, “this is what life is about.”

AFTER SCHOOL  
Peter’s legs crawled down the hall, entourage following.  
“So, uh, Peter, do you wanna hang out today, maybe?” Ned asked.  
Peter’s legs stopped. The entourage stopped. The school stopped. The world stopped.  
Ned held his breath. Fear filled his core. Flash broke in.  
“C’mon, loser, he doesn’t wanna—”  
Peter’s ankle gave a nod. Flash stared, speechless, as Ned grinned and left with Peter.   
~~~  
Ned’s hands were shaking as they arrived at Peter’s apartment. May was out getting hammered and wondering how her life came to this, so they had the place to themselves. Ned sat down on the couch.  
“So, what do you wanna do now, Peter? Uh, wanna play with Legos or something? Wanna order a pizza?” He wrung his hands.  
Peter’s legs kicked the light switch. The semi-open curtains gave a dim glow to the room. He crawled over to the stereo and kicked it on. Careless Whisper filled the room.  
“Peter, you’re so... forward!” Ned said, blushing.  
Peter’s legs kicked off the leather boots.

TO BE CONTINUED??????


End file.
